Lost in relational poverty
When you have experienced relational trauma in your early childhood and you learned through lived experience pseudo independence who/what is your reference point? How do you know how to make relationships with others, how to nourish them, how to maintain them, how to deal with conflict, how to celebrate and strengthen them? And most importantly how do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? How do you know the warning signals?
There is so much that needs learning within rich relational experience that can’t be lived simply by reading a book, going on a course or being taught what you should or shouldn’t do.
I’m not sure society realises this as relational poverty. In fact not only are many assumptions and judgements made when struggles become public but many do not see it as their responsibility to remain involved or even to view themselves as part of the solution.
Many of us become lost, lost in relational poverty. We know we need relationship. We sense that they have the potential to be life giving but what to do when really you are lost? Lost in relational poverty, with no way of being freed up until others take the initiative, reach out and do life together alongside and truly with us. Not as mere observers but as fellow travellers.
Society often talks about the vicious cycles people fall into with contempt as if others bring this on themselves. Do they? Or are they merely doing the best they can with what they have? With what they have lived. After all aren’t we a culmination of all our lived experiences?
I’m deeply grieved when I consider all that has often been lost in childhood and then how much is often lost again at a later stage. Those who have been wounded deeply already often become wounded once again. And often again and again. And the trauma cycle continues on.
I do wonder a lot nowadays about what true community really looks like especially in the West, whereby we seem to have lost our way relationally. If only we were less interested in the I and more interested in the we would those of us who have become lost in relational poverty have the possibility of being found and the intergenerational abuse cycles being broken once and for all?
However, this is not easy as those of us wounded often have sharp edges to begin with. Many keep a distance due to an unfamiliarity, due to discomfort, due to an awkwardness, not realising that these edges could actually benefit them too. There is much to be learned relationally in attachment but first we must realise that the cycle can’t be broken by individuals, but within community, in the dance of togetherness and separateness.
Louise Michelle Bombèr is a specialist teacher and therapist working in trauma recovery. She is the founder of TouchBase, an organisation that supports all those impacted by trauma. She longs for a community whereby all are truly included, sharing life with others who have different lived experiences of relationships. She is passionate about lifting society’s blindness to relational poverty.
Louise Michelle Bombèr – May 2024
